We all have gone through trials throughout our lives, but God has us go through certain trials to bring glory to His name and to help others who have gone or are going through the same thing. I went back and forth about sharing my testimony because honestly, I am a private person and I didn’t want to share this publicly. But God reminded me that it’s not about me. I am here to bring glory to God and share what He did in my life. So here we go!
I was born and raised in Chicago by my Haitian parents. I grew up as a Catholic because my entire family is Catholic. So naturally, I went to all catholic schools growing up. Both my grandma and mom taught me the importance of prayer and how God is important in our lives. Now I live a pretty casual lifestyle. I am fortunate to have both my parents still married, comfortable living, I never was without. My parents were very strict and as I was growing up, they kept me busy with after school activities and such so I would stay out of trouble. They were very vocal about anything they didn’t like me partaking in, what I was wearing, etc. so that honestly led me into a life of sneaking around to do things. In my sneaking is how I got introduced to pornography and sex at a very young age. I’ll explain deeper in a sec.
Once I started going to college and was no longer living under my parents’ roof, everything started to change. Like many others, I started to go out to parties, drink, smoke, wearing whatever I wanted, pretty much doing what I wanted. I never stopped praying but you can definitely say my prayer life was WEAK! I was still living the life I wanted to live and not seeking Jesus. I started fornicating and just being very promiscuous trying to seek attention any and everywhere I can. I was comparing myself with other women, I was never confident in myself, I mean the list goes on. No matter who I was with, I was never fully happy. I always felt like I was missing out on something and I couldn’t figure out what it was.
My addiction that led me to this lifestyle was pornography and it was a strong one! I know it’s not common to hear women confess this but it was definitely something I was heavily involved in. Society taught me this was “nothing to be ashamed of” and it’s natural because “everyone was doing it”. This is such a lie because what it did was open so many doors for the enemy to come and create a home in me.
I spent a lot of my time trying to find love and confusing it with lust. I was seeking validation from others, I never looked at myself like I was worth something special. I had a lot of word curses placed on me at a young age so I never was confident in myself or my worth. I was bullied which created self-doubt in me. All of this gave access to the enemy to have my mind has his playground. I couldn’t take it so I would bury my insecurities in what I knew I could get. Sex.
That was my life for a long time. In 2016, I started to date someone who became my significant other for 3 years and I thought he was the one. Everything about him was just want I needed in a man. But going into a relationship damaged will lead into destruction. In August 2019, I ended this relationship because like I mentioned, when you go into a relationship damaged, destruction will shortly follow. My promiscuity was catching up with me and I was making some dumb decisions and was not being faithful. The enemy started attacking my mind and I could understand why I wasn’t happy with a good man! I became so confused with every life decision I was making.
In January 2019, I started a 10 day fast, which I learned from a friend, because I needed some clarity. I guess you can say, I wanted to “try God” so-to-speak to see what He had to say. That fast was mind blowing because I had never thought God spoke back before. Let alone to me! This was amazing! Though I was still wasn’t completely saved, I really wanted a change. In August, we broke up. One month after the break up, he moved on to another relationship, and humility began to set in. I can tell you right now, I DID NOT see that coming and it broke my heart and lead me into a depression. I started seeking God like no other because I felt so broken, I needed my heart healed. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep praying for forgiveness because I was in so much pain and I kept blaming myself for everything that happened. I was miserable but I finally came to an understanding that I was never going to be happy because God was not the center of my life.
I watched a sermon from Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church on “Relationship Goals” and one message he said never left my mind. It was “when you engage in watching pornography, you are opening a door that will NEVER be satisfied.” Now I’m paraphrasing because I don’t think those were the exact words but once he said that, it was like something in my mind clicked. It was like everything stated to make sense as to why I was being promiscuous and why I was battling he spirit of lust all my life. Immediately after that sermon, God delivered me from pornography and since December 2019, I had completely stopped fornicating and watching pornography.
I started to indulging in His presence on a daily and when I tell you, life without a relationship with God is so empty. Before, I claimed being a Christian, but my lifestyle did not show that at all. In Romans 12:2 states, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind…” As Christians, you have to live a life that is separate from those of this world. Think of it this way, people have lost their job if they were caught on social media acting inappropriately because they did not represent the company well.
As we live here on earth, we have to be a good representation of Christ here on earth. Plus, when you start falling in love with God, all of those desires you once had, they start to fall off and you can’t even look at yourself the same. I look at old pictures of myself and I’m embarrassed because of how I used to dress. I cringe almost every time. But I give God glory every day for not only still keeping me while I was living in sin, but for humbling me and delivering me from my old ways.
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” Psalms 34:8 NKJV